Sunday, August 28, 2011

Beating Procrastination! Fuck off, Irene. :)

Okay, so I'm supposed to move on Tuesday. August 30, 2011. Seriously, I am so pumped. Like, it's freshman year all over again and the experience of college is making me so excited. Except the difference is that I know what's up and how I'm going to have an awesome year.

Staying up to do my laundry and then pack all my clothes and other stuff. Want to get most of this out of the way so I can just relax and not scramble around last minute like I usually do.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Doubts, Worries, Regrets, and Fears

So Hurricane Irene is coming. Not too worried though. It just sucks because I work at a grocery store so yesterday and today have been crazy with people scrambling to get emergency supplies. And while the governor has declared a state of emergency, I don't think it'll be a huge issue. Because I'm not on the coast and more inland, I forecast storms and powerful winds--which hopefully won't change my move in date for college. THAT would seriously bum me out.

Anyways, I have a confession to make. If you haven't guessed already, I'm an amazing faker. So good that sometimes I even begin to believe my own delusions. I'm a sociology major. A major I picked on my own because I found the subject matter interesting but as I look into the upper-level courses and review what I'd like to do with my life. . .well let's just say I feel like I picked the wrong major. I don't feel like I'm being challenged and that my brain is slowly turning to mush because it's not being used. And it sucks! I mean, hello?! I'm already in a serious amount of debt that I don't know how for sure I can pay off. Scary.

And then there's the whole idea that I NEED to graduate in four years. It just makes me so frustrated sometimes. I wish everything in my life lined up perfectly. I wish I worked harder in high school to get into a better college. I wish I tried for more scholarships. Damn it, I wish I didn't waste my time away so much.

But I only have one life to live. My parents have always been supportive of me making my own choices and mistakes. I can handle this and need to choose the path that makes me happy and most comfortable not whatever anyone else thinks is right.

That doesn't make this any easier though.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

To Be Blessed

Today I learned that a girl I knew died--apparently through suicide. We weren't close and were more acquaintances than anything. But I worked at the same place and I remember just a few weeks ago she came through my line. I don't know what the situation was but I hope that she is in a better place now. RIP.

And this made me think about how incredibly lucky I am. You see, I've never been to a funeral before in my life. I've been to exactly two wakes. Except I was never really close to either of them. Even when my maternal grandfather died, I didn't really feel anything. I had only met him twice but both experiences were when I was extremely little.

I have not lost a family member or a friend to death. I don't know how I would even react to something like my parents' death or a younger sibling or a friend. I've just been able to live a good life with family and friends who have been there for me.

It makes me wonder if I'm strong enough to handle that kind of devastation. I mean, if anyone asked me, without a doubt I'd reply that I would be okay. I'm a strong and resilient girl. Always have been. My life experiences will not accept any alternatives. But to care for someone and then for them to disappear? To die?

I don't know if I'd be able to handle it. And this is a little sliver of hope I get when thinking about God. I like to believe that for whatever reason God has protected me and those I care for until I'm ready to handle it.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Giving Myself Permission To Suck

I remember there was a time (basically late childhood throughout adolescence until now at age 20) when I absolutely HATED taking pictures of myself. This mostly had to do with me being overweight and having it pointed out to me by every adult family member who commented how much weight I had gained or how much fat was showing on me. I rarely have any pictures of myself and the few that exist were taken without my permission or with extreme reluctance and a vow to never let a camera point my way again.

Here's a truth you probably didn't know about me. I'm fat. And I'm not just saying that to garner your sympathy the way some girls do to make themselves feel better. No, this is a real issue for me here. Last physical (summer '09) had me at 213 lbs and usually when I weight myself I hover around 208-210 lbs. I plan to lose almost 90 lbs within a year--even have a bet with my mom to lose 50 lbs by next summer with $500 as part of the reward. Anyways, there were days when I couldn't even bare to look into the eyes of my own reflection because I just felt so embarrassed and ashamed. I'd stare at the fat Korean girl inside the glass and want to wish her away. I never felt pretty or beautiful despite what others would say to me.

These past two years in college have taught me that I am the only one responsible for my health and life. That I need to love myself first and that it's okay to be my own person. I want to make up for being scared to make memories and visual evidence that there was a time when I felt disgusted with the way I looked.

Yes, I am fat. My eyebrows need to waxed and plucked. I am wearing the same glasses since seventh grade. No my hair hasn't been straightened or blow dried or doused with chemicals. But I'm still okay with myself. Little by little over the weeks and months, I'll work to change myself because I want to and that it's time to acknowledge my own beauty. I'm not scared to be who I am.

Whew. This post was actually supposed to be about how I am almost done with my short story. I was originally going to spend this summer writing at least THREE stories but with the summer almost done and just cranking out the first draft on this one NOW. . .well you can see how I fared. I think I was scared that my writing would suck. That I wouldn't be able to write a fun story. A gripping story. But then I thought--who cares? Seriously, who gives a fuck? Of course I'm going to suck and not be great. I've only started to take writing seriously. To slowly orbit my life around the craft of writing.

But I'm damn well going to have fun. I'm going to enjoy letting the words rush across the blank document in order to tell a story.

I have a personal goal of writing 10 stories before I graduate to make sure that this isn't a fluke of some sort. More on this in a different post.

Good night!

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

My Career Choice

I have been working since I was 16 years old. Every summer, winter, and spring break is spent working not having fun. I'd rather make money than go traveling or do something that will kill my bank account. Amazingly, I am still at my first part time job. This will be my fifth year working there and while it isn't a hard job--it does get quite boring. Not to mention that I feel incredibly degraded and hate the feeling of having to stamp down any retort to defend myself when customers are being rude to me for no apparent reason. I also am just a regular worker albeit one who has been there longer than most of the other employees. But it gets annoying when your supervisors are either 1) people who are the same age as you or 2) people who are younger. I know that it's just a job but I really hate being told what to do especially how to do my job when I'm more competent than they are. Then there's my job at school where it's pretty easy but I still have to deal with stupid shit from drunk college students.

I know everyone goes to college to gain credentials to get a "real job." Everyone expects to get a "real job" with an actual salary that will make an impact. But I really can't picture myself working FOR anyone. It just doesn't feel right and I don't know if I can take anymore monotonous and repetitive tasks while under the supervision of idiots.

If I forget about everything else. . .I'd want to run my own business. Work for myself. Have no boss to answer to except me.

Here's how I rationalize this, if worse comes to worse I'll have to live at home for a while working at my part time job anyway. That isn't bad at all. I can think of many more worse scenarios. I just want to try this. I want to go beyond my comfort zone and think outside the box. Yes, I am a sociology major but that doesn't mean I can't make a life for myself doing exactly what I want without having to worry about my finances. Just because everyone else tells me or likes to shove their assumptions in face doesn't mean that it's true. I mean, yeah, I acknowledge that finding a job and/or running my own business won't be easy but seriously what else am I going to do but try?

Just damn try.

Be who you are and say what you feel. . .

Because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. :)

I wish I could say that this post and future ones will be full of intelligent and witty remarks. That I'll have something profound to say every single time. That they'll be free of grammar and spelling errors. But they won't. I refuse to pretend to be someone I'm not. You're going to be getting me as I am. Take it or leave it.

Now then. I have one week before I move into college--PRAISE ANY/EVERY SINGLE DEITY ABOVE IN THIS UNIVERSE.

This summer blew. Seriously sucked ass. I don't know what else to say. Stuck back in my boring hometown with nothing to do. Worked more hours than I'd like at my part time job where I do not get paid enough to be treated like trash by self-absorbed customers. I wasted May, June, July, and August! Four whole fucking months. What the hell did I do? Oh let's see. . . .NOTHING.

Damn it. Damn. Double damn. Triple damn. Argh. Seriously? I remember back in March and April I was so looking forward to this summer and believing that this was going to be the MOST PRODUCTIVE SUMMER EVAR. Nope. Didn't happen. I'm so upset and pissed at myself.

I want this upcoming school year to be the best I have. I want to accomplish the goals I have for myself. I don't want to quit and bitch about not getting anything done. It's not happening.

Before I move in next Tuesday, I need to two things. 1) Get myself organized and priorities straightened out. 2) Figure and outline a battle plan to make sure I get things done like a boss.

I will change. What can I do to make sure that this school year doesn't suck?

Brainstorming now and then heading to bed.