Doubts, Worries, Regrets, and Fears

So Hurricane Irene is coming. Not too worried though. It just sucks because I work at a grocery store so yesterday and today have been crazy with people scrambling to get emergency supplies. And while the governor has declared a state of emergency, I don't think it'll be a huge issue. Because I'm not on the coast and more inland, I forecast storms and powerful winds--which hopefully won't change my move in date for college. THAT would seriously bum me out.

Anyways, I have a confession to make. If you haven't guessed already, I'm an amazing faker. So good that sometimes I even begin to believe my own delusions. I'm a sociology major. A major I picked on my own because I found the subject matter interesting but as I look into the upper-level courses and review what I'd like to do with my life. . .well let's just say I feel like I picked the wrong major. I don't feel like I'm being challenged and that my brain is slowly turning to mush because it's not being used. And it sucks! I mean, hello?! I'm already in a serious amount of debt that I don't know how for sure I can pay off. Scary.

And then there's the whole idea that I NEED to graduate in four years. It just makes me so frustrated sometimes. I wish everything in my life lined up perfectly. I wish I worked harder in high school to get into a better college. I wish I tried for more scholarships. Damn it, I wish I didn't waste my time away so much.

But I only have one life to live. My parents have always been supportive of me making my own choices and mistakes. I can handle this and need to choose the path that makes me happy and most comfortable not whatever anyone else thinks is right.

That doesn't make this any easier though.

My Career Choice

I have been working since I was 16 years old. Every summer, winter, and spring break is spent working not having fun. I'd rather make money than go traveling or do something that will kill my bank account. Amazingly, I am still at my first part time job. This will be my fifth year working there and while it isn't a hard job--it does get quite boring. Not to mention that I feel incredibly degraded and hate the feeling of having to stamp down any retort to defend myself when customers are being rude to me for no apparent reason. I also am just a regular worker albeit one who has been there longer than most of the other employees. But it gets annoying when your supervisors are either 1) people who are the same age as you or 2) people who are younger. I know that it's just a job but I really hate being told what to do especially how to do my job when I'm more competent than they are. Then there's my job at school where it's pretty easy but I still have to deal with stupid shit from drunk college students.

I know everyone goes to college to gain credentials to get a "real job." Everyone expects to get a "real job" with an actual salary that will make an impact. But I really can't picture myself working FOR anyone. It just doesn't feel right and I don't know if I can take anymore monotonous and repetitive tasks while under the supervision of idiots.

If I forget about everything else. . .I'd want to run my own business. Work for myself. Have no boss to answer to except me.

Here's how I rationalize this, if worse comes to worse I'll have to live at home for a while working at my part time job anyway. That isn't bad at all. I can think of many more worse scenarios. I just want to try this. I want to go beyond my comfort zone and think outside the box. Yes, I am a sociology major but that doesn't mean I can't make a life for myself doing exactly what I want without having to worry about my finances. Just because everyone else tells me or likes to shove their assumptions in face doesn't mean that it's true. I mean, yeah, I acknowledge that finding a job and/or running my own business won't be easy but seriously what else am I going to do but try?

Just damn try.